


Snowlit Memory

by InkedConstellations



Series: 23 Emotions Challenge [1]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen is himself, Allen needs to follow his own advice and move on, Clinging, Cold, Dark Past, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hot, Kanda is shy, Lost and Found, Memories, Timcampy is cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 14:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4923886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkedConstellations/pseuds/InkedConstellations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen Walker promised Mana he would always keep walking. But he never promised to leave the past behind, and he finds himself clinging to memory at the oddest times, the only one able to pull him back to reality an unusual friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snowlit Memory

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [23emotions](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/23emotions) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  fitzcarraldo (n.): an image that somehow becomes lodged deep in your brain.
> 
> I honestly kind of love this fic. I hope you love it too.

Sometimes, on cold nights when the rain is heavy and there is no sound but his breath clouding on a window pane, Allen remembers.

He remembers a time when his hair wasn't white and there was no scar on his face. A time when, even if not necessarily happy all the time, he knew he was loved despite the terror that was his Innocence embedded arm. In his head, Allen labels these memories "Mana Time", and keeps them wrapped carefully behind his current self. He saves them like candy, for moments when he can't seem to get out of bed or the despair of the present keeps him from moving. They dissolve on his tongue, he can almost taste their sweetness. They are the reason Allen can keep his promise to Mana--how Allen Walker keeps walking.

But in the midst of remembering, especially on cold nights when the rain is heavy and there is no sound but his breath clouding on a window pane, that sweetness leaves an oddly bitter aftertaste.

Because to hold onto the good is to also hold onto the bad, and although Allen promised Mana he'd keep moving forward he never promised to let go of the past. After all, Allen never makes promises he doesn't intend to fulfill, and that is something he could never do. To forget Mana would be a betrayal of his father, of the time they spent together. To forget what he did to Mana would be a betrayal of himself. Allen needs a constant reminder of his monstrosity, and that picture--that moment he knew exactly what he'd done--is imprinted so deeply in his mind Allen could never let go, even if he wanted to.

If he could speak, Timcampy would call him a masochist for holding on. Kanda uses his blunt voice to call him exactly that. Somehow Allen doesn't care. After all, he knows they're right.

* * *

_It's so cold. It feels as though his skin is freezing, crinkling like dry paper. If he breathes too deeply his face will crack, split apart at the seems and leave him bleeding in the snow. Red and white, such appropriate colors to die with. Allen wishes he would die. Please God. He's never prayed for anything but if he could be with Mana again than he would give all the prayers in the world, he would give his life._

_If Mana would come back, Allen didn't care what became of the world._

_Without him Allen felt so cold. Even with his thin arms wrapped around his body, breath clouding his vision, the temperature seemed to eat into his bones and leave him cracking, fragile. Despair so thick he felt like he was drinking mud, like he had been swallowed by a black sludge that left his blind and immobile, was the only thing keeping him upright. He couldn't see, couldn't think, didn't register the tears falling from his face, freezing on his cheeks, because the only person that had ever accepted him was gone, Mana was gone--_

And then there was a man. A man with a grin so wide it split his face in half, left his skin twisted and marred by sharp teeth. a man with claws that promised him Mana  _promised him Mana_ if he would only call his name and Allen had no second thoughts.

He moved so quickly he thought his frozen skin would tear from his face, leaving his muscles bloody and exposed, but it was Mana who was the skeleton and Allen will never forget that face.

_The betrayal and anger in those gleaming eyes, this wasn't Mana this couldn't be Mana, screaming at him, twisted and shrieking, metal claws grasping for Allen's skin. Allen closed his eyes as he felt that cold metal slice into his forehead, split open the left side of his face from his brow to the end of his cheek. Suddenly he felt warmer, crimson liquid dripping from inside him, his blood was so hot Allen felt like he was burning._

_Someone was screaming, and it took a moment to realize it was him, the pain of his eye flaring so hot and bright it was like a small star curled up inside his head. Allen was burning from the inside out and there was nothing he could do to stop the fire from running down his arm, shriveled skin peeling back and ripping from his bones. It wouldn't listen to him, the joints of his elbows screaming as they popped, twisted themselves into an enormous white claw. Allen would have passed out if he didn't see the arm_ his arm _turning traitor, ripping into Mana as he howled curses and Allen will never forget that face._

That metal jaw clamping shut, eyes cold and unforgiving but burning so deeply into Allen's good eyes that he felt as if his very soul was melting, twisting into something new and inhuman.

* * *

 

Suddenly, Allen jumps, a hand landing heavily on his shoulder and the brush of dark hair against his cheek as Kanda leans to rub the fog of his breath from the window.

"Oy, Moyashi, what the hell are you doing sitting by yourself out here? Komui sent me to find you and unless I come back that bastard will make my next mission hell, so you better get your butt back to the hall before I kick it there myself."

Allen shivered, shaken out of his reverie by the one voice that never fails to get under his skin and seat him fully in the present. Smiling, his slides his shoulder from Kanda's crushing grips and whistles Timcampy to his shoulder, letting the golden golem burrow in his hair. Kanda's scowl only deepens at the grin playing over Allen's face.

"You were thinking about that bad Christmas shit again, weren't you? God dammit, you better not let that distract you, Moyashi. There's no way in hell I'm pulling your weight."

Allen's grin only widened. "I'm not a beansprout. My name's Allen, BaKanda. Or are you too stupid to remember something so simple?"

Scoffing, a light fist connects with his shoulder, sending Timcampy up into the air for a moment before he settles again. "As if. I just don't think an annoying Moyashi such as yourself deserves that kind of uppity name."

Kanda strides ahead to the hall, grumbling to himself with his hands tucked in the pockets of his long black coat, something along the line of  _Why do i have to go find him, Lenalee or that Usagi idiot would be happier_. But behind the swish of his ponytail Allen swears he sees the corners of the swordsmans stern mouth turned up in something like a smile, and Allen knows he'll never forget that face.

 


End file.
